Living on a knife edge… a New York thing…
Life is going by, it’s too fast. I’m not slow but not energetic either. I miss my mom. It’s over a year now I haven’t seen her. She’ll probably look different when I see her. I wasn’t with her this last year, I was here. I’ll be here for many years. I chose to be away. I was waiting. I will wait a lot until the time comes that I don’t have to wait anymore. Waiting is boring - Waiting is hard. You grow old. And they’re older.
Sometimes I’m feeling blue. Sometimes black. Mostly grey but never pink.
I just don’t have the time to be creative. I don’t have it, damn it.
I’d like to.
Different kind of a world, on world itself. Always in love.
Charlotte, her name was Charlotte. For some of you, she may look like an angel with long blonde hair and long beautiful legs. And I’m sure her name has been the title of hundreds of songs. But to me, she looked like a stork. A white stork.
The thing is, Charlotte had a birthday that day. She has an older friend who has wrinkles near her eyes, organized that birthday party for her. And it happened to be in the restaurant that I was working.
They started coming one by one and dissolved into the restaurant like it was all theirs. That feeling was not their fault for sure. They’ve been taught since the day they were born that everything is theirs. I was forced to hang their coats. Probably they thought, I was planning to sell them on the black market.
They were real Upper East Side brats. Like real real. Their fathers and grandfathers and great grandfathers were born and raised in Upper East Side, too. I’m sure of that. Maybe one or two were pretending to be like that but that didn’t change anything. All of them were terribly superficial and commandingly tall.
First I thought I was feeling sorry for them. But that wasn’t the real deal. I was ignoring something that I was actually aware of. Finding their imperfections, I was trying to feel superior. But I wasn’t. Oh Charlotte, I was a little jealous. Not that because you had the money or those legs. It was because you had the friends. You had the gifts and the birthday party. Not that because you were raised in Upper East Side, I hate Upper East Side and the lives you’re living. But you were living where you have established your life. Unlike me. I’m not sure have I ever established something. Maybe we were at the same age but you were ahead of me although you were much more silly than I was. I was only at the start point.
But I’m not unhappy. I can still feel restless while I’m happy, right? I’m happy being me. I’m happy me makes confessions sometimes. I’m living what me wants. “Why would I be here then?” what me says. But sometimes I think and realize maybe I am the stork. And with short legs. But mostly I just don’t care. Because it’s never late for anything. That’s why we are where we are.
Thank you Charlotte.
Six minutes is fine, five minutes is not enough. It’s always like this. Feels like this. Tell me why.
